So I did just that I finished out my associates degree that I started right out of high school and transferred to Syracuse University’s nursing program. 

My first job was on a medical-surgical telemetry floor – this meant I cared for a hodge podge of patients – patients recovering after getting their appendix out to patients that were on ventilators but too stable for the ICU. On that unit I learned to to comfort grieving families and even held the hand of a patient as she took her last breath.

After my first year a position opened up on labor and delivery- this is where I really wanted to be. I applied and because of my skills with my heart patients and reading a heart monitor I got the job. 

Because of Azaria and her loss – I was drawn to help those families that were going through the nightmare of losing a baby. I have walked along side countless families in this situation- some I am still friends with today.

I have been an advocate standing up for my patients even if that meant getting in a minor tiff with a physician or administration over what was best.

I have  been able to help our families create memories of their babies-including pictures .

I have worked in a perinatal hospice program which met with families who knew that their baby was not going to survive but chose life anyways.

I have had the honor to be a speaker at conferences that educated fellow nurses on how to care for families going through loss.

Even in my role as a nurse practitioner in recent years- I have been able to listen and give patients hope as they tell me their stories of loss.

Some of my experiences are hard to put into the perfect words but I can say even though losing Azaria was one of the hardest moments in my life- Her life was not in vain. She has gifted me with purpose and with God’s grace I will do all I can to fulfill it.

When she was 8 weeks old we had settled into her routine and I was getting ready to go back to work at my part time job. Tyrone and I decided to celebrate by having a short afternoon to ourselves. Azaria was cared for by my sister and my neighbor who was a nurse was in alert in case anything was needed. 

We went to the mall on September 27th and I finally felt comfortable enough to buy baby announcements- we were going to let the world know our baby girl is here. We then went to a movie- halfway through the movie I heard a theater employee call my name- I sat there stunned-he called my name 3 times- we knew at that point something was very wrong. My sister was on the phone line stating she was at the hospital with Azaria- stating while she was holding her that she stopped breathing. I couldn’t comprehend this- we were only gone about 45 minutes at that point. 

We rushed to the hospital which was close to the theater and ran inside. When they saw us they brought us to a small conference room- I started to panic- and the ER doctor came in and sat down and simply said “she’s gone”. 

When I was pregnant with Azaria and was planning on hospice care – I had prepared my mind for her loss. I dreamt of a peaceful death for her- perhaps in my arms or her fathers. She was 8 weeks old when she died and I was not there- I was not prepared for that- I sobbed and sobbed and remember asking God why would he take her when I was not with her.

 When she died we were told casually that it was due to a nosocomial infection that her heart couldn’t handle- a hospital acquired infection. 

A few days later we buried our sweet daughter. And as I stated in  a previous  post it was pouring rain- then as they were preparing to lower her into the ground the sky opened and I felt an enormous heat burning on my head- the sun was shining bright- and as quickly as it came it left and began to rain again. But I felt a peace I cannot explain after that and I knew it would be okay.

In the days and years to follow I became grateful for the “extra” time we had with Azaria. Remember while pregnant i only was planning to have minutes to hours with her and we were blessed with exactly 8 weeks. 8 beautiful weeks to really get to enjoy her and to see her fighting spirit.

At 38 weeks my labor began swiftly. I remember being angry because I had 2 more weeks to go- this is a situation where I wouldn’t have cared if I was 42 weeks pregnant.  Every moment counted and I did not want it to be done- not yet!

She was born 4 hours after my labor began on July 27th- a perfect 7 pound 2 ounce baby. She was then rushed away so that her diagnosis could be confirmed. During the time she was away the nurses had me sign a DNR-which stands for do not resuscitate. Up until that point we were planning on doing hospice care. Meaning we were going to spend what time we had with her until her heart naturally gave out. That could of meant minutes or days. Signing that document was one of the most difficult moments of my life.

Around the time they brought her back to us, a new cardiologist came in to speak with us. She mentioned that we did have an option of surgery- it was very risky but the hospital had a surgeon who could perform the procedure. I looked at my baby and just wasn’t ready to let go- we opted for the surgery. They took her away from us again. This time to the N.I.C.U or Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

The Norwood procedure is a procedure that makes it possible for the right ventricle of the heart to function for both the underdeveloped left ventricle and the right- as you can imagine- it’s one of the most complicated heart surgeries there is- and my 2 day old has it done. There was a 50% survival of surgery and we were told if she made it through- the next major battle was to survive the 48 hours following. 

Well Azaria was a fighter and she made it through. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks and then we were able to bring her home. We brought her home.

Remember we were not planning to bring a baby home- friends donated money to her funeral fund not a baby shower. So we spent the money we had for her funeral and happily went and bought baby supplies- that was a fun day.

Even though she had the procedure and was able to come home- we couldn’t rest too easy- that was only the first step-there would be 2 other procedures over the next 2 years to complete the process and still the oldest living survivor at the time was an 18 year old- there was no known adults who survived living with only half a heart yet.

We enjoyed being new parents. Then the bumps in the road came.

Azaria’s surgery site became infected and she was re-admitted. She was critically ill and we were back in the PICU- pediatric intensive care unit. She had good moments and bad moments- there were times during that stay that we thought we were going to lose her. 

But she made through once again. We were able to bring her home once again. 

My oldest’s daughters name is Azaria Monique- (am) she is no longer here on earth but in her short time made such an impact on my destiny. This site is dedicated to her and so first I must share her story. 

Azaria was our second pregnancy- we had suffered a 12 week miscarriage not long before. I will discuss that in another post as that baby also impacted how I help my patients. 

We were so happy to make it past the  12 week mark and to be able to hear her heartbeat, but at the “normal” sonogram something didn’t look right with her heart to the technician. We left that office still hopeful and found out we were having a girl.

I remember walking into that Cardiology office so long ago. It was March and the sun was shining as we were walking into the building. We tried to ignore the fact that they were bringing us in for this “special” appointment on a Saturday when no other patients would be present. The technician who would be performing the special heart sonogram (echocardiogram) was quiet but nice. As she started to put the gel on my growing belly  she immediately reconfirmed that we were indeed having a girl. As she proceeded with the exam however the room became quiet except for these next 7 words – “today is not your birthday is it? It was when those words were spoken that we knew something must be terribly wrong. It was my birthday- the day we received the most devastating news about our daughter.

The cardiologist brought us to a conference room and then proceeded to draw pictures to try to help explain what her condition was – “Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome” I remember feeling like I was in a Charlie Brown show with that teacher talking “wah wa wah wah wa” I couldn’t comprehend anything he was saying- only the words “not compatible with life outside of the womb” and that the best option for all involved would be an abortion.

We left out of that building with the sun still shining as if nothing had happened. Later that day in an attempt to celebrate my birthday we went to dinner. We were both in a daze. As we were walking to the restaurant however an amazing thing happened- the official term is called “quickening” or when you feel your baby move for the first time. It was unmistakable- my baby girl chose my birthday to make her presence known in a big way- it was a gift. She was a gift from God and his timing was perfect.️

We went home still feeling very upset about our options. I called the one person who I knew would be able to help me-My Aunt Shelly.  She was a former respiratory therapist so I knew she would be familiar with the heart condition and she was also the wife of a pastor. I explained to her the situation and she asked me what I wanted to do-and I remember stating anything but an abortion- she then said- well then don’t do it- you don’t have too. And that was that! A weight was lifted believe it or not. It was personally easier for me to process Azaria’s condition and prognosis knowing that whatever happened was not going to be by my hand.

The months went on and Azaria grew beautifully while in my belly. You have to understand with her condition, the problems wouldn’t start until after her birth when specific changes take place in the heart. During this time interesting moments were made as to my decision to “keep” the pregnancy but I will save that discussion for another post.

During this time I ate healthy, exercised, and basically did all I could within my power to  keep Azaria healthy while she was in my belly. I should mention that I love to sing and made sure I sang to her every single day. If I was only going to have 9ish months I wanted to enjoy every second.